Cell Phone Solution

Chalk this one up under "Duh! Why didn't I think of this sooner?". As I passed a car going way too slow for my comfort, I glanced over, only to see the driver using a cell phone, leaning on the center console, looking way too cool; oblivious to the world around them.

As I turned left, using my finger to steer the car, the crux of the problem struck me! Driving is waaay too easy for all y'all! Being able to manipulate my steering wheel with only a middle finger helped me realize how easy and physically unchallenging driving is, thanks to the advancements in mechanical technology.

The drastic solution? Take away power steering from vehicles AND require all cars to have manual transmissions. "What's a manual transmission?", you ask. You heard me! Lets go retro, back to the days when 10 and 2 were not just a factored pair of 20, but were the required hand/clock positions necessary to maneuver a car; or so we were taught.

I'm aging myself; but as I look back fondly, those old clunkers we learned to drive, really required some muscle and mental skills to negotiate, even on the straightest of roads. Are you old enough to recall your left thigh and calf muscles bulging because the clutch was so hard to push in? Ever stall your car because your coordination was just a hair off? C'mon, fess up.

Do you really think you're a strong enough driver to use a cell phone without the assistance of power-steering? I doubt it. Wait, now that I think about it, this is the potential remedy for our American obesity problem too! Have flabby biceps and triceps? Is your six-pack a twelve-pack? Steer a car on a winding road, without power steering, for an hour or so.

So there you have it; I've solved the using a cell phone while driving problem, and found a way for people to exercise and lose weight too. Now, if I can just get President Obama's car czar to read this post, I might win a Nobel!

Doonesbury 10/11/2009

After a hiatus from writing based partially on an irrational fear of having nothing of value to post anymore regarding my deployment, I read the Sunday 10/11/2009 Doonesbury comic, and the will to write came rushing back. A chance occurrence on my birthday? With Halloween coming up, that's spooky!

All I know is, after reading the Sunday comic, I felt like "Wow, Trudeau nailed it!". The visual of: the relationship between the CIA/contractor and the Afghan informant, the reference to the 16th century (which I posted on before), the ubiquitous tea while doing business (chai sabz or chai cia?), to the hat, scarf, and appearance of the informant, the reference to a "drug lord", along with alluding to our enormous technology/firepower. It's all there, powerfully packed into eight colorful panels, with the beautiful Afghan mountains lingering in the background. I couldn't get the comic out of my mind. Not that I wanted to, it brought back a lot of memories. The simplicity of how Trudeau depicted the paradox of war, made me think, "Yeah! That's it, that's what we're capable of!" But, is it really?

I thought back to the days spent conversing with my friends, Afghan linguists, whose opinions about culture, and their fellow Afghans, really moved me to consider how THEY see the war; and like the Afghan informant in the comic, they usually posed a variation of the question: "I don't get it, how come you guys are losing?" That really struck me.

Since returning, I've followed the news, both good and bad out of Afghanistan. It's really heated up since I left, but that was expected. What comes to mind is how humane we (the US) are perceived to be by the Afghans...most of the time, to a fault and detriment.

Afghans are familiar with tribal justice that may include - the slice of a sword, hurled stones, whippings, and harsh death. They do not understand taking prisoners after a fierce firefight, then treating them humanely (What's the point?). They do not forget what the Talibs (and Russians) have done to their families. For Afghans, brutality rules, and they don't flinch. It's just their way of life. And this was imparted to me by the linguists, who in their own way were saying to me: 'We should be kicking Taliban ass!" It is war after all.

Teachers: Have students look up what "Rules of Engagement" (ROE) are. Researching the Vietnam war might help them understand what consequences the rules can have on war. What are the positive/negative aspects of ROE's? What are some of our current ROE's in the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts?
What do your students think about the Doonesbury cartoon? What do they think Trudeau thinks about the war? Have them research his previous comic strips relating to Iraq and Afghanistan, and have them report on what they think he believes.

Never Find a Hookah Here

While deployed, I enjoyed going to the weekly bazaar. It was a nice way to break the monotony of the daily routine. At the bazaar: I haggled with vendors (customary/expected), socialized outside of work, found some great deals, and as the days blurred, the bazaar helped indicate that it was Friday, again.

There was much to be had at the bazaar, depending on your preferences. Beautiful Afghan/Persian rugs, gemstones/jewelry, Afghan clothing, Russian artifacts, antique rifles, and... hookers, oops, excuse me, wrong spelling, I mean hookahs. My apologies to nor-easterners; same pronunciation, different meaning.

Hookahs, are prevalent in the Middle East, and are used to smoke tobacco, herbs, or marijuana/hashish/opium. It is a culturally and socially acceptable smoking instrument in those parts of the world. Guess I could have bought an authentic Afghan hookah if I really needed one, but I don't smoke. And, I don't think a colorful, multi-user hookah souvenir, prominently displayed, would go over well with our military/educator circle of friends. Never knew anyone who used a hookah, until a few days ago.

Recently, while searching for computer cables in my cable-stash drawer, I happened upon a hookah, apparently hidden. "What's this?" I thought. Had my wife taken up smoking pot to deal with the stress of my absence? Nah! She did well while I was gone. But if not her, who then?

Seems my 18 yr old step-son bought the hookah online while I was gone. Mama found it, and confiscated it amid great consternation. The official story relayed to my wife, according to my step-son/daughter, was that the hookah, a trendy instrument, is used by young adults for smoking "trendy" blocks of tobacco.

Uhhh, after thinking back to high school/college, I paused, contemplating the fable. I paused some more, then proceeded to believe their incredible story (it did smell like tobacco). These kids are just not the type. Tobacco experimentation, yes, marijuana, no.

Nonetheless, the hookah was officially confiscated. They took a hit (so to speak) on their much needed teen dinero, it was their money, not tobacco, that went up in smoke. I had to find another place to put it until we decided what to do with it. But where?

After some thought, using finely honed parental skills. I put it where they'd least likely think to look, a place where teens are notorious for never venturing, hidden in plain sight...Duh! I put it with the cleaning supplies, under the bathroom sink; no chance of discovery there!

Teachers: Seriously, the hookah does play a prominent social role in many cultures, and it is not always associated with the use of illicit drugs. Have your students research this centuries old implement, and report on the positive, and negative aspects of how it is used.

From Insurgents to Pre-Emergents

It's interesting to observe how life has shifted from one focus to another now that I'm home. An example - for six months, it was all about Afghanistan insurgents. But now, it's crabgrass pre-emergents. So, for peace of mind, I set out to find similarities between the two that might help make my mental transition easier, and more meaningful.

As I considered a pre-emergent for the lawn/garden, I found an article from the Ohio State University, Extension entitled: Pre-Emergent Herbicides Effective for Weed Control. Here are some bullets from the article:

Marestail, giant ragweed and lambsquarter remain some of the most challenging weeds to control for several reasons:
• They become more difficult to control with increasing size and age.
• They are some of the first weeds to emerge in the spring, and marestail grows quickly in size, making proper burndown treatments a must to control them.
• Avoid making post-emergence applications during periods of adverse environmental conditions, such as low temperatures, extended cloudy periods, and drought.

Here's my take on this useful information, uh,... I mean intelligence:

Taliban insurgents and their radical fundamentalist followers are the most difficult to control for several reasons:
• They become more difficult to control with increasing size and rage.
• They are the first to emerge in the spring/summer, and their numbers grow quickly in size, making appropriate engagement/elimination a must.
• Avoid engaging insurgents during periods of adverse environmental conditions, such as low temperatures, extended cloudy periods, and drought.

Is it a stretch to equate Taliban insurgency with out of control weeds? Mmmm, you tell me. But if any of you pass by my house and see me vigorously eradicating/eliminating weeds, via airborne or ground assault methods, please consider that my conduct is easily explained by the psychological term - transference.

Transference: "the redirection of feelings and desires; especially of those unconsciously retained from war, toward a new object." (For you psych majors, I replaced the word childhood with war. Sorry, it makes sense.)

Teachers: Have your students make the connection for me - How is an insurgency like weeds? What conclusions can we draw from the similarities? The differences? Are these similes, or metaphors? Discuss the differences between the two, then have students write a paragraph on a topic using similes and metaphors.

A Man's Home is his Depot

As we approached our house, I mused, "Ah, a man's home is his castle", relieved to finally return home. According to Answer.com, this old English saying means - "A proverbial expression that illustrates the principle of individual privacy, which is fundamental to the American system of government".

After imparting this age-old proverb of wisdom to my 8 yr old son, he replied without skipping a beat, "No papa, a man's home is his depot" (as in Home Depot). Caught completely off guard, I busted-up laughing. He had never heard the expression before, and thought Home Depot was what I really meant to say.

I lovingly reached over and rubbed his shaggy head, and told him his interpretation was extremely funny, music to my ears, and that Home Depot marketers would probably pay a fortune for his "out of the mouth's of babes" observation. And so started the reunion with my family after a six-month deployment to Afghanistan.

I've been home for two weeks now and it's time to write. The urge to write again, I'd liken to the anticipation of reuniting with your spouse; a lot of pent up thoughts, words building up, waiting to explode into a, a ... a blog post, so to speak. Who would have known?

I've had fellow bloggers mention that many soldiers come home from deployments, and for whatever reason, abandon their blogs. That is certainly their prerogative, and I completely understand; but I have no such inclination, there is too much to say.

So reader, was it good for you too?

Number One with an F

Sat with linguists at lunch today and an Afghan gentleman stopped by the table. We all did the Salaam Alaikum shtick, I mean greeting. Once the pleasantries were exchanged, and the gentleman left, I told my lunch mates I had met this man a month or so ago, and that he had an interesting background.

When we met, he asked if I could help him get reassigned to another job, because he was not happy with his current position. He worked with detainees. He proceeded to rattle off his resume, and told me that in Afghanistan, he'd worked for the government in the 70's as a young man, before the Russians invaded. His résumé sounded pretty impressive.

When I shared this with my lunch mates, they looked at each other knowingly, smiled and said, "Almost all (linguists) claim to have worked with the Afghan Government; they tend to embellish their résumé so as to look good".

With that, the linguist asked if I had heard one of the reasons why Afghan-Americans think they are the best. I replied, "no".

He proceeded to share a story about an older Afghan couple who lived in the US. They purchased a car, something they could never have done in Afghanistan. So the old man drove their car from San Francisco, CA to Vancouver, Canada, to visit relatives.

After the trip, the wife was bragging amongst Afghan friends, and shared that her husband was a "number one" driver. When asked to explain, she said that on the trip to Canada, people who passed their car, constantly raised their middle finger at him, signifying he was "number one", which in their minds was an indication that the husband was a wonderful driver! I choked down my pie, nearly spitting it out! Again, these linguists and their sense of humor! Very solemn, serious and matter-of- fact usually, then BAM! out of the blue stuff like this.

When I return home to driving, and am on the road, I will henceforth associate the American middle finger "salute" with that old, proud, Afghan driver and his wife.

Teachers: How many times on your way to work, have you been given the "number one" salute? What a great opportunity to speak with your class about driving habits around the world. The insane vs. the sane. If you are working with HS age students, talk about requirements for driving throughout the world. What age can one start driving? Is there insurance in that country? How much do cars cost? What kinds of cars are there to drive? With the popularity of Social Media, consider having your class track down foreign students in other countries and ask them the above questions. Let your students do the research, and have them report their findings to the class.

NATO Night Fever, Stayin Alive, Stayin Alive

Many linguists, hired as contractors, previously held important positions within Afghanistan before their families fled. Some were university professors, some were doctors, others were government officials; it runs the gamut. It's very interesting to hear about their past Afghan lives. From my observations, there is a subculture of linguist hierarchy on US bases, based on their prior Afghan status, and related to their present status. For example, translators who work for Generals, Colonels, or are considered the primary translators for high profile meetings with Afghan Ministers, Governors, etc., hold greater status than other linguists down the food chain. Think in terms of an unofficial military rank, civilian style. Makes sense right?

Well, an acquaintance has taken to referring to his fellow Afghan linguists, by nickname. You know, like we use "Bubba" and "Dawg". He has christened three linguists in particular as SuperZ, ZZ, and EZ. Their first names begin with a Z, so I was impressed by his use of humor and creativity in coming up with these nicknames. Each nickname is designated for its own reason that only he is privy to.

We were recently having a discussion of a serious nature, solving the war and all, and talk turned to Afghan linguists. With a serious tone, he said, "You know, EZ is a member of NATO". I paused, feeling honored to be let in on EZ's status. I've seen EZ around so I know who he is.

EZ is a self assured middle-aged Afghan, who is held in high regard (by fellow Afghans) due to his seniority in theatre and current position. He's like a BMOC (Big Man On Campus) at a university, and I gather, is a ladies man. His appearance is akin to a Saturday Night Fever disco character.

His linguist "uniform" is accentuated by a thick gold chain, satin, unbuttoned pointy collared shirt, and topped off with a black fedora hat, brim turned down - to cover his bald spot? Don't get me wrong, It's perfectly alright to still be living in the 80's back in the US, I see it all the time. But in Afghanistan?

Needless to say, beyond EZ's appearance, I was impressed. I expected the linguist to continue, feeding us more details, telling us how EZ travels to Kabul to translate for our NATO partners. We waited for him to go on.

After a short, well timed pause, he continued..."Yes, EZ's like NATO...all talk, no action"! Those present were so taken aback by his statement, we laughed! But beyond the reference to EZ, I took it also as his opinion of NATO, an entity I had never given much thought to while in theatre....hmmm.

Teachers: What is NATO, who can join? Who are our Coalition partners? What are allies? Who are our allies? Can the students relate to nicknames? Research the reasons military pilots use nicknames as their call-signs. These are positive, acceptable nicknames, are there negative nicknames?

Afghan Fishing Redneck Style

Call me sentimental, but as I get closer to leaving, I recall my son asking "Can we go fishing when you get back?" I replied, "Sure thing!"

Mind you, it has been years since I fished and although I would like to go, I worry that my 8 yr old son won't be able to sit still long enough to enjoy the benefits of fishing and nature. From my recollection, fishing is a very serene sport requiring LOTs of patience and time. But that won't stop us, we're there!

My father took us fishing when we were kids and I have fond memories, even when we didn't catch anything. It felt good to be out with friends and family members. Those were the days when kids piled into the back of a pickup, and traveled, open air, to dad's favorite fishing hole, many miles away. Try that now...in California. Good luck!

It got me thinking, I had heard of Afghans using RPGs and grenades to fish, and lo and behold, here is some footage available for you at YouTube. It further got me thinking that this style of fishing would be something worthy of Jeff Foxworthy and his Redneck Comedy routine. Googled Redneck fishing, and this is what I came up with for your perusal: view here and here

So here's to connecting our Afghan and Redneck brothers together, do ya think I can justify bringing a few grenades or RPGs home? Probably easier to teach then baiting a hook!

Taliban Goes Green

I'm not talking US dollar green, nor wearing St Patrick's Day green to avoid being pinched, or in the case of the Taliban, murdered. Murder being the extreme St Paddy's day version of being pinched. They haven't turned wacko environmentalist on us either, unless you consider opium exporters participants in the "green" movement.

No, the Taliban have gone green, as in... emerald green. Its a beautiful gemstone soldiers and contractors covet and purchase at the base bazaars, in large sized carats, lest they get whacked upside the head with a large skillet upon returning home, for not thinking of the Mrs.

Opium must not be as profitable as it once was. As political correctness goes, talibs must know they are viewed as pariahs for pushing dope to the masses, via Afghanistan. Their dilemma? We are good at eradicating their cash crop (wink, wink), but the writing's on the wall, narco-dollars are drying up slowly. They need an alternate cash crop.

Maybe we should consider paying them good ol' fashioned US corporate welfare subsidies to not grow poppies. It's the American way! Regardless, it costs us in the long run, either by continuing to fund various drug reduction programs, or paying those outrageous crop subsidies.

But emeralds! You can't mainline or snort them. They're not illegal, in fact they are a natural resource, beautiful in their raw and polished forms. Muslim Khan, the Taliban spokesman in Swat, told The Sunday Telegraph., “We know that all the minerals have been created by Allah, the mighty and the merciful, for the benefit of his creatures. We should avail the opportunity.” “We receive one third of the profit, the rest goes to the workers”. How generous!

What's the upside to all this? Cheaper emeralds? Or, the military might find that emeralds are highly visible through night-vision goggles. Visualize if you will, talibs who have taken to wearing the precious gem. I'd bet that ranking talib commanders sport upwards of 4 carat emerald rings, while their foot soldiers settle for the more paltry 1/2 carat rings, containing inclusions. Imagine the Talibans' luminous green carats radiating at night, thus allowing our forces to easily identify them, engage them, and uhh... kill them. Let's hope the Taliban like to wear the bling they produce.

We can only hope it comes to this! Go green!

Small MilBlog Contest

Best Milblog You've Never Heard Of Contest: (Do I fit the bill?)

Apparently, I've been nominated for this contest by Twitter friend @FlagGazer. Here's what she wrote:

"I would like to nominate Deployed Teacher. This is an incredibly thoughtful blog and even gives hints on how to use his posts in a classroom! He is in Afghanistan now...."

Thanks @FlagGazer! What the heck; if I fit the bill of a "small guy" milblog and you enjoy reading, or using my posts in your classroom, then go to BLACKFIVE and give me a shout-out. Let's see what happens. If nothing else, you'll find some other interesting milblogs.

Thanks for your support!